Pre Therapy: teen years
I find it hard to talk about my brother. Insurmountable at the moment, if I’m being honest.
I’m dreading going over my feelings of rejection and wanting to fill that sibling void with K.
I’m dreading diving into how inadequate it makes me feel — I will never add up. I will never be that person for anyone, that person who grew up with them, that person who shares a family history.
I’ve always wanted that someone and I can never have that, and I feel so broken and defective because of it, and I don’t even think that wanting a sibling is even inherent because not all people even want siblings. No one wants or needs me in that way, that they know they have a sibling as a fallback. So what is so wrong with me? Why is that so important to me? Why can’t I have an Off Switch?
I keep trying to picture getting the words out — trying to describe how it felt to ask him to play Banjo Kazooie with me for a few minutes — and him brushing me off.
That would continue to set the track of our “relationship” for the next two decades. And of course, our mom’s insistence at acting like we are friends. This combined, with constant rejection, made for a whirlwind of envy, jealousy, resentment and hostility.
My partner has a sibling. They are best friends. It’s OK to watch, but I just… I’m aware I don’t have that, and will never have that. And I keep thinking he could one day break up with me, and he’d mourn that, but he’d eventually move on. I’m “replaceable.” I replaced my mom’s bio daughter, and my mother’s second daughter “replaced” me.
If something happened to her, his sister, he wouldn’t be able to “replace” her. She’s for life. She’s his built-up peer after their parents die. I’m not that same link, I could never be that same link. I don’t want to be his sister. I want to have a sister. You can replace a girlfriend. You can’t replace a family member. You can’t replace a sibling or parents.
And I don’t like that.
Every time I hear about siblings, they seem to have this special bond. This “I will put up with whatever bullshit and tolerate/mend/repair a rift with you” that simply doesn’t seem to apply to anyone else.
I hate that only siblings get to have this bond, this leeway, that doesn’t seem to exist for anyone else. Not parents, not peers, not friends, not relatives. Not even spouses.
The game of life feels like it’s rigged, and I resent that.