Coping with various emotions, & introducing bio family

Today’s session went really well. Starting to get used to feeling more “fragile” and learning how to sit with, and process, the more negative emotions like stress, frustration and anger.

Starting to feel much less awkward asking K to repeat herself, and feeling less embarrassed when I lose my own train of thoughts. :)

K: *going on about Scenario A and my feelings, and then going on about Scenario B and my feelings*

K: Can you tell me what the difference would feel like for you?

Me: Um… can you repeat that? In shorter sentences? I lost track.

Then we both laugh a little and she happily tries to rephrase the question.

Or something like this:

Me: *talking in one sentence, then branching out into another, then a third one, then — * … oh. I lost my train of thought. I was *going* somewhere with that! Where was I going with that? Welp, it’s gone now. I was going *somewhere* with that. *mock exasperation* Well. Onto the next topic.

She did ask, before going into my teens, if there were any parts of me that felt nervous, afraid, angry, etc. And I said yes. She asked what those parts were, given that I’ve conveyed an impression feeling nervous, anxious, apprehensive and afraid of rejection before.

I said I was worried about going into sibling stuff and rejection.

She asked me if I was up into explaining further, to which I burst into tears.

“Nope! I don’t wanna go there!”

So I calmed down and took a bathroom break.

I did finally get to show her a picture of when I was a baby and Ba & Ma were holding me. Also that I have a brother. She asked me about his name and I told her what I thought (at the time I saw the photo) how old he might be. Later I learned I was way off. Asking about the circumstances of my birth was not an easy talk — particularly when the language was Mandarin Chinese. For about a year Gege was “frozen” at the age I was relinquished. I knew logically he was probably all grown up like me, but my mind was just “stuck” in that timeframe, when he was only a little boy.

So I explained to her how it felt: excitement, nerves, anxiety, out of this world. It was like getting hit by a ton of bricks. When you grow up surrounded by Whiteness, you don’t even realize you’re missing something. You just.. go about your life. You perceive yourself as White, because that’s all that gets reflected back at you.

And then your peers and friends start connecting with their siblings, and they have genetic mirrors to themselves.

Knowing there were people who looked exactly like me, which I had never fully realized before, and finally understanding that they didn’t know English. In high school this was a slow acceptance: noticing my peer groups had siblings. But for me it was just more than realizing I didn’t have a sibling beside me — I didn’t have anyone who looked like me. It’s an incredibly isolating feeling to realize you are the only person who can’t fit in.

I got to explain to her how surreal it felt. Not just hearing Baba talk to me in Mandarin and me not understanding. But me actually being in my birth country, in their residence, and communicating with my mom in English, and “talking” to my Baba in Mandarin.

Baba: Ni zai gen Jianada Mama shuo hua?

Me: Dui

Mama: Ni zai Jianada Mama shuo Yingwen?

Me: Dangran.

Mom: Is that your Baba?

Me: Yes

Me: He wants to know if I’m talking to you. They always do. I guess it’s because I’m speaking English. They always find it entertaining when I use English.

Mom: Your Mama too?

Me: They’re both here. They heard me talking to you, so…

Mom: What’s he saying?

Ni shuo, “Jianada Mama, tamen bu hui rang wo huiqu Jianada.”

Me: Dui ya, wo zai gen Jianada Mama jiang hua.

Baba: Ni shuo, “Jianada Mama, tamen bu hui rang wo huiqu Jianada.”

Me: Bu shi! Na bu shi hao!

Mom: You can understand that?

Me: Yep

Mom: Hey did he mention me? I thought I heard Jianada Mama.

Me: Yeah…

Baba: Ni shuo!

Me: Bu hui! Na bu shi hao!

Me: That’s mean, I won’t say that!

Baba: “Jianada Mama, tamen bu hui rang wo huiqu Jianada.”

Me: *giggling* No! That’s mean! Bu yao shuo na!

Mom: What’s he saying?

Me: *hesitant* You reeeeally want to know?

Mom: Yeah. What’s he saying?

Me: He says… they’re not going to give me back.

Me: (to Baba) Wo gen Jianada Mama shuo “tamen bu hui rang wo huiqu Jianada.”

Mom: You know… as much as that breaks my heart, I’m so happy to know they love and care for you like that.

And K’s expression was utter transfixed. She said that must have been amazing and difficult at the same time. That I had to translate as best I could, when my grasp in Mandarin was pretty shaky.

I told her I was exhausted during it. I only translated maybe one or two lines, but it was really hard. It was not something I planned on doing, and I really had enjoyed being able to “understand” between two different worlds, but damn, I was just wiped by the end of it.